if you're gonna flaunt it - then do so ... but only if you've got it!

Well, it's summer, and for those that know me, it means my fashion nazi police side comes out in force.

Primarily, most of my issues arise around female fashion.

Oh, it's not that the men don't give me cause for concern especially with the "faux hawk" (you know the one! That "not quite a Mohawk" cut that looks like someone shoved gel onto their hair and then proceeded to shove their head up a mate's behind to get "the look") and don't even get me started on the pink polo with the collar up!

But oh, women! The gender that is meant to have it all together and knows how to dress! What the hell happened!?!?

Did they accidentally burn their fashion sense with their bras in the 60's?

Have liberating free love vibes been clubbed to death by the prudish no sex please we're Christian virgins brigade only to be revived by a fashion senseless youth who haven't quite got it?

With the plethora of examples out there, I don't even know where to start ...

There's one thing I do need to begin with there's a recurring theme in my rant today - SIZE. Specifically, I'm talking the number on the label of your chosen piece of apparel. If you're meant to be a 10, then buy a ten - if you're meant to be a 14, then buy a fourteen - do not buy under the illusion that you'll "shrink into it"! If you drop from a fourteen to a twelve, then go out and buy a size 12! Until that moment, don't try to squeeze into one!

So. Other than size, where do I start? Oh! Wait! Looking out the window, I see my first example ...

White under white
Now, as a man, I really should not be complaining about this at all! If you want to wear tight white pants and let the whole world know you like to wear fairy floss G's while making it distinctly obvious what the shape of each your buttocks is, then please, by all means, continue to wear white underwear!

Perhaps, however, if this is not your intention, try beige.

Oh, and before the "purists" besiege me with cries of "beige isn't sexy", please try and remember one basic thing - men don't really care about the lingerie ... sure, we like certain types more than others, but really, when you get right down to the crunch - it's a momentary scenic attraction on the way to happy town ... it doesn't really become important until the initial passion and newness of a relationship wears off, and then they like to know that you still care enough to try and show off your assets in a new display case. Ooh, look at that two lessons for the price of one!

Hipsters
Now, personally I like the little schmoo protruder jeans. I've always said it - if you got it, flaunt it. However, here's the deal ... if you're a size 12 and you've got a nice waist and or hips and you want to show them off, then please, oh please, buy a size 12 pair of hipsters! A size 10 does not make you look more attractive, in fact it does quite the opposite!

See, because of the basic laws of physics, the pressure you've now placed your nether region under by squeezing them into a pair of pants a size or two smaller than your actual physical circumference requires a displacement of mass ... in short, things move. Usually this means one of three things - the entire waist area now "breaks out" over the jeans (aka a muffin top), just the gut breaks and hangs out over the top (aka a gunt) or it all moves to your ass make you look like a bubble butt.

Oh, and another thing - if you're gonna buy these sort of jeans, it is assumed that you want to flaunt something, are not overly self conscious and being the right size, they sit properly ... this means that you shouldn't have a requirement to walk down the street grabbing your beltline (is it still called a beltline at that height?) every three seconds and trying to pull it back up, looking like all the world that you're trying to give yourself a wedgie!

Mini Skirts
Oh, the little eenie meenie tiny weenie skirt flirtini! It's a wonderful piece of apparel ... for some.

The idea behind the old mini is to (first and foremost) show off your legs. It's second attraction is the age old phenomena of the illusion of nudity is far more intriguing than nudity itself.

So, back to basics - size, the correct size means it's not going to ride up (the riding phenomena is due to those basic laws of physics I spoke about earlier regarding materials under pressure) and thus no need for you to constantly tug at your hemline every other second as you walk down the street.

Also, at the risk of sounding (more?) like a male sexist pig ... the primary idea is to show off your legs. So, if you don't have good legs, or you don't believe you have good legs, then ... why the hell are you wearing a mini to begin with? Walking out onto a crowded, public, highly male populated promenade is the wrong time to be self conscious of the men staring or commenting on your legs ... think about that before you wear it and walk out of the house.

Crop Tops
Ditto the size, the self conscious, the constant tugging down, etc ...

Bikinis
Ditto the size, the self conscious, etc ... oh, to heck with it ... if you reeeealy want to wear a bikini a size smaller than your body surface area requires, bite the damn bullet and just go a g-string/v-string/t-box/thong!

Heck, do away with the top and just put on a couple of pasties while you're at it!

Just, (please, oh please!) don't go walking down the beach with a hand constantly up your backside trying to fish out a tiny triangle of material every three minutes when those laws of physics kick back in ...

Jeans
Here's the deal ... jeans come in a variety of shapes, sizes, cuts, styles and colours. This means, that somewhere out there is a variety of jeans that is designed for you - it will flatter your touche, your legs and your general appearance.

So explain to me then, why I am constantly seeing women walk down the street looking like all the world that they just took a dump in their drawers? Or, for that matter, jeans that separate and quarter their ass or legs looking like a bandaged ham?

Of course, by now, you should be more than aware about my feelings on size ... so I shan't repeat that once again.

Potato Sacks
Just to be different, I'm going to take the opposite side of the size debate here. If you're a size 12, then don't buy a size 14. Period.

If you're really interested in wearing volumeness, unattractive, unflattering clothes ... then dispense with the illusion of a distinct fashion sense by discarding the floral print and go right to a Hessian sack with a hemp rope.

You may as well, it has the same effect.

If you are self conscious about your body (or a puritan), then consider an Indian sari - stylish, elegant and distinctively feminine - yet can be defining and obscuring at exactly the same time.

If you're completely self-conscious, then maybe a burkha is more up your ally?

As for "baggy clothing" ... unless you're actively part of a recording and touring hip-hop group, a bag lady or just lost three dress sizes overnight - there's no excuses.

Now. If I haven't been hunted down and stoned by every female rights group, militant feminists, fashion journalists, the editors of Cleo, clothing store attendants, target catalogue fashion models or my friends ... maybe I'll post something else up next week ...

TTFN!

Addendums:
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Ken dropped me a line (January 3^rd) - here are his additional thougts on the subject:

Lycra
Not everyone can wear this, in fact only a small percentage of the populus should wear this. Most people do not have a figure that lycra will consider complementary. Lycra is very revealing and should only be warn if you have something to reveal.

Males with underwear showing above their jeans
This is just stupid. If you don't want to ware the right size then accept people laughing behind your back. You might as well get use to them laughing in your face. I keep waiting on them to trip over their jeans as they get under their shoes. Think about this, if you are pulling up your pants all the time they don't fit. Buy a smaller pair or buy a belt. Your pants stay up and your hands are free.

Jeans or tracksuit pants under skirts.
If you are going to wear a skirt, do so. If you are going to wear jeans or tracksuit pants do so. These are not part of the same apparel and should not be treated like they are. If you are going to wear a skirt then your legs should be out there. If it is to cold then don't wear the skirt.

When talking fashion in todays world yer right ... It was hard enough only commenting on three things.

are you committed to sparkle motion?

Between one group of my (mad) friends, a topic was raised. It seems a tagline on an eMail one of them received stated "I doubt your commitment to sparkle motion".

We where intrigued ... what the hell is sparkle motion, and why should we have a commitment to it?

The line is actually a reference to the movie Donnie Darko. However, even in that movie - there's no reference to what sparkle motion actually is ... our minds have raced with the possibilities.

Our resident pervert suggested that our commitment should be to the stripper/porn actress by the same name.

I'm hoping there's a better use of our commitment.

Really, I just want a definitive answer to what sparkle motion is ... heck, make it up ...